Let's put it this way, I've been REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY EXTREMELY blunt (vicious) this month to everyone I have talked to. I mean like Regina George style. Here are some highlights...
Victim 1: You inspired me to have Popeyes for lunch this Friday when you mentioned that you had Popeyes for lunch over the weekend.
Me: Bitch please, don't say I inspired you, your fatass inspired you to eat at Popeyes.
Victim 2: I think I'm one of the few white guys with an ass.
Me: Umm, those are love handles.
Victim 3: So which one (Plastics) am I again?
Me: Caty, she's played by Lindsey Lohan. Which isn't that much of a stretch from your life.
Victim 4: Did I tell you I gained 10 pounds in the past two months?
Me: You didn't have to, I saw it happen.
Victim 1: Gosh, I weighed myself the other day and I'm 122lbs.
Me: Umm, I'm 6'2 and I weigh 148 and I have about 14 inches on you. You're fat.
Some One Line Zingers:
If we were the plastics, you would be Gretchen. Please stop talking Gretchen.
You and Nala really are kindred spirits. You're both fat and like to sleep all day.
Was he cute? Wait, I don't know what I even asked, they never really are.
Victim 1: ::Burp::
Not Me: Wow, you're such a catch, how are you still single?
Me: ROFL (I secretly wished I said that first though)
Paraphrasing on Politics (as we're drinking our Starbucks):
This all started when a friend made a really blanket statement about republicans and how they whine.
Me: Liberals are the biggest whiners ever. We whine about everything under the sun.
Friend: NO! Republicans are the bigger whiners.
Me: No, trust me, I know because all I do is sit here and listen to us whine all day. In fact, the more to the left you are the more you whine about anything.
*Some examples that I did not give out. "The economy is awful." "We pay too much taxes." "The price of PBR has gone up." "I have massive student loans" - side note to that: ain't nobody told you to go get a useless master's degree from an expensive school, that's on you! "I hate that my iPhone is so slow." "Send our troops home." "I can't afford to live in Manhattan." "I have thousands in credit card debt." "It's so cold out." This can go on and on and on...get my drift?
Friend: Well, I mean, it's not whining when you're trying to fight injustices.
Me: Same can be said for unemployment. I have to go to work everyday, so how do you think I feel when I have to listen to people complain about how they're not getting enough money for not working at all (I don't believe this, but I like like to play devil's advocate. Especially to my politically charged friends. I actually really don't care).
Friend: It's a bad economy!
Me: Yeah, but that doesn't give them the right to cause me to be late to my job because they're busy occupying some street or another (again, really don't care).
Friend: They're standing up for what's right!
Me: Yeah, I really don't care.
(Okay, to be fair, this was more about being annoying than being blunt, but seriously, who really wants to talk to their friends about politics. Or maybe deep down inside, I'm just making fun of hipsters).
Commenting on a friend's facebook photo where she was trying to show off her new straighten hair: "I'm going to like this, but only b/c you look super ano!"
As you can see, Victim #1 gets it really bad (not just from me though). However, he knows that deep down inside, we all secretly love him! And I'm not really mean...only this month...
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