How's the whole not being passive-aggressive thing going for you?

Let's put it this way, I've been REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY EXTREMELY blunt (vicious) this month to everyone I have talked to.  I mean like Regina George style.  Here are some highlights...

Victim 1: You inspired me to have Popeyes for lunch this Friday when you mentioned that you had Popeyes for lunch over the weekend.
Me: Bitch please, don't say I inspired you, your fatass inspired you to eat at Popeyes.

Victim 2: I think I'm one of the few white guys with an ass.
Me: Umm, those are love handles.

Victim 3: So which one (Plastics) am I again?
Me: Caty, she's played by Lindsey Lohan.  Which isn't that much of a stretch from your life. 

Victim 4: Did I tell you I gained 10 pounds in the past two months?
Me: You didn't have to, I saw it happen.

Victim 1: Gosh, I weighed myself the other day and I'm 122lbs.
Me: Umm, I'm 6'2 and I weigh 148 and I have about 14 inches on you.  You're fat.  

Some One Line Zingers: 
If we were the plastics, you would be Gretchen.  Please stop talking Gretchen.

You and Nala really are kindred spirits.  You're both fat and like to sleep all day.

Was he cute?  Wait, I don't know what I even asked, they never really are.  

Victim 1: ::Burp::
Not Me: Wow, you're such a catch, how are you still single?
Me: ROFL (I secretly wished I said that first though)

Paraphrasing on Politics (as we're drinking our Starbucks):
This all started when a friend made a really blanket statement about republicans and how they whine.  
Me: Liberals are the biggest whiners ever.  We whine about everything under the sun.
Friend: NO!  Republicans are the bigger whiners.
Me: No, trust me, I know because all I do is sit here and listen to us whine all day.  In fact, the more to the left you are the more you whine about anything.
*Some examples that I did not give out.  "The economy is awful." "We pay too much taxes."  "The price of PBR has gone up."  "I have massive student loans" - side note to that: ain't nobody told you to go get a useless master's degree from an expensive school, that's on you!  "I hate that my iPhone is so slow."  "Send our troops home."  "I can't afford to live in Manhattan."  "I have thousands in credit card debt."  "It's so cold out."  This can go on and on and on...get my drift? 
Friend: Well, I mean, it's not whining when you're trying to fight injustices.
Me: Same can be said for unemployment.  I have to go to work everyday, so how do you think I feel when I have to listen to people complain about how they're not getting enough money for not working at all (I don't believe this, but I like like to play devil's advocate.  Especially to my politically charged friends.  I actually really don't care).  
Friend: It's a bad economy!
Me: Yeah, but that doesn't give them the right to cause me to be late to my job because they're busy occupying some street or another (again, really don't care).
Friend: They're standing up for what's right! 
Me: Yeah, I really don't care.
(Okay, to be fair, this was more about being annoying than being blunt, but seriously, who really wants to talk to their friends about politics.  Or maybe deep down inside, I'm just making fun of hipsters).

Commenting on a friend's facebook photo where she was trying to show off her new straighten hair: "I'm going to like this, but only b/c you look super ano!"

As you can see, Victim #1 gets it really bad (not just from me though).  However, he knows that deep down inside, we all secretly love him!  And I'm not really mean...only this month...

Why did I give up carbonated beverages?!?

Hi my name is John and I'm an addict.  My addition being diet soda.  Originally when I posted this goal, I only wanted to give up diet coke/diet pepsi, but a couple people have pointed out to me that this really includes all carbonated drinks.  Which also includes sugar free redbull!  The challenge for me is not drinking these substances on its own...the challenge is that I tend to like to use these as mixers.  I also don't drink full flavor carbonated drinks, so it's not like that would even be a viable substitute.  I did this in order to be healthy for a month, but I realized that now all I drink are Arnold Palmer's.  I'm not really sure that's any healthier since I feel like I'm going to have a diabetic coma at any point from all the sugar.

I had to find a substitute for mixers.  I love vodka sodas and vodka redbulls.  I love it more than most things in life.  So for the past month, my alcoholism has been reduced to beer and wine or worse as I was to find out last Tuesday at the Ellie Goulding concert - cranberry vodkas.  I had the same amount I would normally drink on a given night - 7 or 8, but this time I found myself drunker than ever.  I'm pretty sure people were afraid of me when stumbling down Hollywood Blvd to go home.  Even the homeless folks left me alone that night.  Turns out the mixture of vodka and all that cranberry which I really only think is .5% cranberry and 95.5% everything else caused me to hug my toilet for a good 10 minutes (it could have been more - this is just a guestimate) when I got home that night.  I also woke up drunk and remembered that I had to go to happy hour before the Clippers/Rockets game and all I thought was FML.  Funny how I'm more worried about a basketball game than the fact that I actually had to go to work.

Hugging a toilet because of ODing on sugary alcoholic drinks is not new to me.  I've done this before like 10 years ago.  Ask anymore who knew me junior year of college and they will tell you I was addicted to two things: Pepsi Blue and Dekuyper Sour Apple Pucker.  I would drink these by the bottle and then just stick a finger down my throat afterwards.  You see at that time, I was also supporting my friends who had eating disorders.  They threw up food, I threw up alcohol.  Talk about solidarity!  I always thought of myself as a good friend who would try to find way to support their endeavors.

Needless to say, I haven't had carbonated beverages in 18 days and I cannot wait until the first of March.  This is a goal that I do not plan on repeating in March or the rest of the year.

Feb. Goal #10: Enter Nemo

(Oh, you can't read that, yeah, neither can I)

Some of my friends who saw goal #10 for this month were suspect.  "Go home for Chinese New Year."  Okay, so I cheated a little bit and actually bought my ticket home in January.  At the time, I really just wanted a "gimme."  Well that and I had other goals in mind but thought that since it was February, I should really not stretch myself too thin.  I'm only human and I can't accomplish everything I set forth to do.  In my defense, even though it was a "gimme" goal, I don't like to count my chickens before they hatch.  I was all like "until my ass lands at JFK and I have red envelopes handed to me by my mother on the 10th" it is not a gimme.

I was working out on Thursday, the day before I was to fly out.  I was working out for multiple reasons: (1) goal #1, (2) I had dinner plans at the Cheesecake factory that night - don't judge me!  Where else can you pay like $10 for a sandwich and still have enough left over for lunch the next day?  And (3) I figured when I'm home, I won't have gym time for a while.  During all this was news coverage on Snowstorm Nemo...I know, they started naming snowstorms all of a sudden.  Hurricanes must feel like they had a part of their identity taken away from them.  And why Nemo?  Last I checked, Nemo was a tropical fish, there is nothing tropical about 30" of snow.  All I kept thinking about while being on that weird stride cardio machine thing was that my flight will not be canceled.  Well, my prayers weren't answer and I think this was due to the fact that I hoped for something else recently and that was given to me so I can't be too selfish about things.  The ordeal that followed really felt like awful cosmic karma for putting down a goal that I shouldn't have used.

I called American Express to see what I can do about my canceled flight.  That was when I found out that your wait time is contingent on the card you have.  I never knew I could have a gold card and still feel like a second class citizen!  I'd hate to see what green, zync, or blue feels like.  I guess it pays to be platinum or black.  In fact I think if you have a black card, they probably call you when a flight is canceled and make all the necessary arrangements.  They told me that I can either re-book for free if I fly out on the 12th (stupid nonsensical date) or I can have a credit that I must use in one year with Virgin America.  I usually fly United, but at the time, Virgin America was cheaper and had the better flight times for me.  Obviously, I was ticked off by my options.  Why would I need to fly out on the 12th and why would my credit expire after a year?  It's not my fault there's a snowstorm.  So I hung out and called Virgin America.  Let's put it this way, I completed my workout during my time on hold.  I had to workout to elevator musak! I'm going to give myself a pat in the back because I never knew I had that much patience.  I guess if you were to look at the glass half full, at least I just wasn't sitting around waiting for someone to pick up.  You try lifting to elevator musak.  Awful, I never felt less pumped in my life.  Usually i think I can do things like lift twice my weight if Ke$ha (yes, I'm aware my gym music is also my club music which is also pre-gaming music and well also my bedroom music - I find it easiest to just have one playlist) was blasting in the background, but on that day, I felt like I was struggling with 40lbs.

After a nice dinner at the Cheesecake Factory in which cheesecake was not ordered - this always happens, you eat the bread and your meal and there's never room for cheesecake.  I'm also not a fat girl, so it was either bread and main course or bread and cheesecake.  You can't have all three in one sitting.  There is no amount of gym time that can help reverse the effects of over eating.  On my drive home, I called Virgin America and finally got through.  Patience is a virtue.  I was able to switch my flight at no cost and will now make it home for President's day weekend.  Quite frankly, I think it's the better deal.  I get to fly a red eye on Valentine's day so I can be surrounded by other single people who just can't give a damn about a Hallmark Holiday and I get an extra day to be home.  Plus, I'm not all that worried because my sister is collecting red envelopes for me.  So the lesson of the day...there is no such thing as a "gimme." 

Feb. Goal #9: Caught Red Handed

It was kind of ambitious of me to try this goal for two consecutive months.  I thought that maybe if I could do it for one, it would carry over to the second month and before you know it, I would stop rolling my eyes. The achievement of this goal in January was always questionable at best.  Carla (a dear friend who can apparently tell when I'm rolling my eyes over the phone) till this day still does not believe that I didn't roll my eyes all of January.  I would have never imagined that I would get caught doing it by someone I just met.

This past Monday, I ran into some of my old co-workers at the cafeteria down in my building and I met the new guy who replaced me.  The following day, I stopped by to pay them a visit at their office as it was on the way to the dentist and I had two hours to kill.  Amber, my ex-work spouse mentioned to me that the new guy decorated his work area and he's only been there for a week.  It took me six months to "decorate" my work space and by "decorate," it really meant Amber putting stuff on my desk and counter.  Personally, I don't decorate work areas, it's just easier that way.  When I left my job, I basically said "peace."  There was no need to clean or throw stuff away, no need to carry boxes full of crap to my car.  It was simple and such a liberating feeling to be so nomadic.  I could just pick up an leave whenever I wanted or well if I were to ever be asked to leave.  I've seen people get fired before.  It's never fun.  Back at an old place of employment in New York, whenever someone was about to get fired, we all had to go to breakfast, lunch, coffee, whatever it was while HR and the supervisor doing the firing would tell that person and they would have an hour to clean while security was watching them pack before escorting them out of the building.  Sorry, I digressed.  So when I looked over at the new guy's workspace and saw that it was fully decorated with posters, pictures, and other things that seem to have meaning, I just said to him "aww, how cute" and then turned to Amber and said "even thought you don't know how long you're really going to be here."  That was when I got caught!  He then said, "why did you say that to me and then turned to her and rolled your eyes?"  Man, I got called out and I only knew the guy all of maybe 25 minutes. 

At that point, I was pissed because it was a failure in a goal, but I also felt liberated.  I did not need to watch what I was doing anymore!  I had a meeting yesterday where some chick just kept talking about her needs even though this was a pretty broad meeting that was meant to talk about updates in policies in general.  Five minutes of her throwing a pity party for herself, I literally just rolled my eyes and let out a loud SIGH...This isn't something new for me, I've done this in many meetings.  I feel like the eye roll really just does wonders.  It's the best body language you can give someone.  It sends a message loud and clear.  That message being "You're an A$$hole."  Just think about it, when you're in a meeting and someone is saying something that is wasting your time or throwing out BS or trying to pass their work off to you or someone else or make statements that seem like they're "do as I say, not as I do," or is completely unprepared for a meeting, or scheduling meetings to have meetings, or tell you how busy they are when they're clearly not, etc, etc...What better way than an eye roll to really send a message?  Quite frankly, when I'm in one or all of the situations I described above, I just roll my eyes because I don't even care enough to waste my breath with a response. 

Cheers to eye rolling!

Feb. Goal 2: X-Mas Decos Down and so went the 49ers

I probably had the most productive Superbowl Sunday in the history of man-kind.  I decided this year to not celebrate the big game.  This was a conscious decision that I'm sure my liver will thank me for in the future considering I drank heavily the Friday and Saturday before.  Plus with the late season collapse of the Giants, I really did not need to pay attention to the game.  While everyone was probably out drinking and rooting on for a team they couldn't give two cow dongs about, I sat at home and packed away the Christmas decorations that have been up for over two months.  I would love to say that I felt the Christmas spirit all the way until February, but it really just comes down to sheer laziness.  I also cleaned my apartment and took care of the pets that aren't mine: housewife points for me!  And as you can see, the animals are now in their rightful place.  Don't ask where they were held while the decos were up, I don't want Sarah McLachlan to get word of this and then have Nala and Boo cast in some commercial with depressing music playing in the background. 

I sat through Beyonce's performance and all I can think of was how I already saw this performance multiple times in the past.  Now I know there were rumors that a reunion would happen, but I didn't think it would because I wasn't sure Beyonce would let the other two breathe the same air as her, much less share a stage!  How nice of her though to let Kelly and Michelle sing back up to one of her songs and then blow a kiss to them good-bye!  I can't even go there.  Quite frankly, it's not really a reunion unless LaTonya, LaTavia, and Farrah all come back.  Isn't it already bad enough that she's so into herself that she would clone herself 100 times just so she doesn't have any back up dancers?  My friend Joseph seems to think Beyonce was doing Kelly and Michelle a favor by letting them be on stage with her.  We got into an argument at the In-N-Out drive though while waiting for our dinner tonight and we even got the order person on the curb involved.  She was probably thinking to herself "I don't get paid enough to deal with this crap."  Well too bad, we all know In-N-Out pay better than most fast food places.  He also tried to sabotage me by ordering diet coke and kept scheming to switch my Arnold Palmer when I wasn't looking or if I looked thirsty.  He be triflin'!  That's a different story for a different goal.   

Don't get me wrong though, I happen to love Destiny's Child.  I even went to their concerts (with Sue: bottom left).  They were around for my golden years in college and a part of me goes ultra sonic when it was summer at the Beach Bar or that other bar in Watermill (I think) where we went dancing and all of a sudden, you hear "Ladies leave your man at home" and I completely lose my shit.  Carla reminded me of that fact while we were on the phone during my lunch break.  I'm sure she may have seen it happen once or twice.  I mean, DC has taught me so much, like how I shouldn't deal with people that won't pay their bills, or how they be a buggin' buggaboo, and all those times Samantha and I did "Say My Name" for karaoke.  Oh nostalgia.  My friend Kaitie (see below middle) even sent a text about the good times of college when she saw DC reunite, so I guess maybe I do need to thank Beyonce after all for having that mini reunion.  That group, along with many others; namely *NSync really just makes me think of the good old days of college :)

*Disclaimer: I do not drink Bud Light anymore, although considering this was back in college and that I wasn't holding a Keystone Light or a Milwaukee's Best, Bud Light is kind of boughy!  Oh and I'm totally not drunk, just tired.  Considering I had my volleyball sweatshirt on, I most likely just got back from practice or a game.

Thank God February is a short month!

January Recap

This first month have been full of successes and failures.  This is the neurotic part of me where you see me begin to rationalize for all my short-comings and give myself partial credit.  I'm like a high school math exam.  Show the work and get some credit even if you get the answer wrong.  So I accomplished 8.25 out of 10.  That's not even an Asian F.  I'm such a failure.  

1. Gym 10 times: It pains me to say that I did not meet this goal.  I only went nine times this month.  In my defense, it wasn't like I was just being lazy, sitting around being fat.  I was actually active a lot this month.  I guess I didn't take into account that I would also have to tackle volleyball practices and hiking.  So if you think about it, I ran/hiked five times this month and also had five volleyball practices in which I was more active than usual because I played at a moderate level.  This means I was active 19 days out of the month - out of 31 days.  I'm going to give myself half a point for this. 

2. Make Coffee Every Odd Day: So I decided that since January has 18 odd days, the goal should really be changed to make coffee 18 days out of the month.  I came to this realization one day when I ended up going to Starbucks on a Wednesday because I thought Wednesday sounded like an even number.  Don't ask me how I came to that conclusion, it was really early when that happened.  Regardless, I did well.  Thanks to only using my credit card for Starbucks transactions, I was able to see that I only went to Starbucks 7 times this month spending a total of $33.55!  Such a major improvement than the 3 digits I used to spend.  However, the goal was for odd days, so I'll give myself 3/4th of a point for this goal.

3. Sunday Funday (2x) Max: Done - It's such a shame each goal is only worth a point. I feel like the harder the goal to accomplish, the more points I should get - or at least even some extra credit...

4. Do NOT roll your eyes: This may be suspect.  I know I didn't consciously roll my eyes.  My friend Samantha said it best, me trying to not roll my eyes is like her trying not to eat.  We've been trying since college.  Although, I will admit, I haven't consciously done it, so I can only imagine that bitch face must have been in full force whenever I felt like rolling my eyes.

5. Runyon Canyon 5 times - Done, well only 4, but I did a much harder, nicer, Santa Barbara hike to make it five.  Sometimes a change of scenery is important.

6. Nala and Boo look skinner.  Mostly because I'm starving them.  I'm feeding them half each day of what I normally feed them.  They're not too happy about this, but I also won't be too happy about it if they end up getting diabetes.  I'm proud to say I think they lost a combined 1 pound.  

7. I'm now always smiling and saying "hi" at bars.  There might not be anything more than a "hi" from my part, but at least I'm not simply ignoring people or giving that "what the hell makes you think you should even be breathing the same air as me" look.  Hopefully this carries into February.

8. Cooked a new dish even though some rude friends of mine thought it was more of a side dish than an main course...#whatever #jealous #haters

9. Go snowboarding - FAIL

10. I still have a roommate and he doesn't live in Oakland!

I can't wait to see what February goals bring...